When Care Destroys Love-2
Here’s a simple but profound story that has been doing the rounds on the internet. I first read it in Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.
A woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. In her quest of knowledge she wanted to learn everything there was to learn, she said. The guru gave her stacks of books and left her alone so she could study.
“Have you learned everything there is to know yet?” he would ask her every morning.
“No,” she would say every time, “I haven’t.”
The guru would then strike her over the head with a cane. This went on for months. Same question, same answer, same treatment. One morning, however, when he raised his cane to hit her, the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping the assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings, but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled.
“Congratulations,” he said, “You have graduated. You now know everything there is to know.”
“How come?” the woman asked.
“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
Your pain stops the moment you realize that you can’t possibly cover all the scenarios in a relationship, that you can’t correct the feelings and thoughts of the other person, that they too must take some (if not complete) responsibility for their own lives. You learn to watch out for yourself. It’s not that you love the other person any less now, in fact, your love increases because the toxicity is replaced by responsibility.
In a toxic relationship, there’s a serious lack of understanding about what the other person needs. Obsessed partners are expert controllers, not necessarily manipulators but controllers. They can extract a certain behavior from you by exhibiting their excessive reliance on you. They are not doing so consciously or cunningly. They are only acting compulsively, often based on what has worked for them till date. Soon, however, it gets suffocating for both people because it’s tiring and taxing. There’s little room left to play as any space is overtaken by worrying and fear. So, what is the solution, you ask?
An excited woman called her husband from work.
“Guess what!” she screamed with joy, “I just won the jackpot! I’m richer by $20 million!”
“You’re kidding me!” the husband yelled, equally ecstatic.
“Pack your clothes,” she said, “Oh! I could do with a break!”
“Winter or summer clothes?”
“All of them. I want you out of the house by six.”
Detachment is your answer. I’m not saying that you do it like the woman in the joke. And, I don’t mean it in some cryptic theological or philosophical sense. Here’s how I see detachment in the context of relationships. Physical distance is not detachment (although it can help, sometimes). Detachment is giving the other person time and space so they may learn to be more responsible. It is a reminder that you can’t take care of the other person without taking care of yourself first. It is the understanding that you too deserve to do things that make you happy. You’ve as much right to life as anyone else.
Om Namah Shivay
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