My wife and I are expecting a child. She lacks self-confidence and is not able to complete many routine daily chores. She is always stressed, though she is medically fit. I try to help her out in daily chores and counsel her often. She listens, but says she is confused, inefficient and wants to change. She reads self-help books, but counselling, reading spiritual books, friends’ advice and guidance do not help. I long for her to be happy and be able to manage herself and her duties. How can I help her?

My wife and I are expecting a child. She lacks self-confidence and is not able to complete many routine daily chores. She is always stressed, though she is medically fit. I try to help her out in daily chores and counsel her often. She listens, but says she is confused, inefficient and wants to change. She reads self-help books, but counselling, reading spiritual books, friends’ advice and guidance do not help. I long for her to be happy and be able to manage herself and her duties. How can I help her?

Guruji : Some situations are hard to fathom when described from only one person’s point of view. In your case, the repetition about doing household chores, being efficient, and upholding her duties makes your wife seem overburdened, while there is a hint that you are pressuring her. Has she genuinely asked for self-help books and counselling, or was this your idea, I wonder. At the same time, you speak with loving kindness about your wife and want her to get better so that she can be happy.

Since I cannot straighten out these conflicting impressions, let me simply trust in your sincerity. Your wife’s pregnancy is hard for her. It has made her anxious and probably depressed. There is some implied criticism that she isn’t greeting the birth of her first child with joy. To be psychologically realistic, giving birth isn’t always a joy, and caring for a newborn infant sends many women into distress. I’m sorry your wife doesn’t live up to some joyful ideal that you have in mind. Probably she holds up the same ideal and, therefore, feels like a failure.

Face reality and stop trying so hard to improve things. Tell her that you are okay with her feelings. Apply no pressure. Offer love and support. Be considerate. Let her lead her life just as she wants, without duties or chores. Bring in a more mature woman who knows about pregnancy so that your wife can have a female confidante.

Above all, if you are able to remove the stigma of failure from your own mind, see that a difficult pregnancy can be handled with maturity and realistic expectations. There’s no need for dread or bad expectations. I think things will start to get better if both of you quit focusing so much on how hard this is and just relax a bit.

Om Namah Shivay